Not Responsible
by Supergreys
Summary: Meredith feels responsible for both Owens and Alex's death. Just 4 months ago the shooting happened and everyone has gotten better sense then. But not Meredith. While her best friend greaves over her dead fiancé and her sister greaves over Alex's death. Meredith beats her self up about the whole situation. Every one tells her it wasn't her fault, but she feels she could have done
1. chapter 1

Writer's point of view:

Meredith sat on the cold tiles of her bathroom floor, holding the small,silver, razor blade. That could potentially cut deep into her skin. Her secret almost slipping from her fingertips. The day before she almost got caught when Lexie noticed a small bandage peeking out from Meredith's green long sleeve. Meredith covered it up by telling her it was a small blister that was bothering her. But Lexie wasn't stupid, everyone knows you don't cover up a blister. And besides where had it come from? Meredith couldn't decide if she should proceed to continue. Her secret was just the edge of getting let out.

"Meredith?" Derek's concerning voice asked echoing through the bathroom walls

"Yeah?" Meredith choked out. Tears had been just falling from her cheeks.

"Are you alright?" He asked twisting the doorknob only to see that it was locked

"I-I'm okay, I'm just getting ready." She told him as she stuck the blade in her pocket and pulled down her sleeve. She decided to pull her hair up and quickly wash her face so it didn't look like she was crying. With that she left the bathroom to step right in front of a very concerned Derek.

"You don't look okay." He protested

"I'm just having a bad day." She told him slightly nudging him out of her way so she could get to their car.

She left the room, walking down the short hallway that leaded to the short stairway. She walked out the door with Derek behind her. And got into the car, Derek got into the car after her. Putting the key in the ignition Derek sighed over at Meredith as she put her purse on the floor, on her feet. And buckling up her seat belt. He then started the car, coming to his senses that Meredith didn't want to tell him what was wrong. Meredith quietly tapped her foot, remembering that she still had the blade in her pocket. She was worried that something might happen. Derek drove them to the ever so amazing Seattle grace mercy west. The car ride being vaguely awkward because of what happened several minutes ago. When they arrived Meredith was greeted by her best friend, Cristina. They both walked to the residence lounge talking about upcoming surgeries. With no suspension possible.

On the other hand, Derek had his suspicions about his wife. With a glance over at Meredith's happy figure, he walked to the attendings lounge. Still worried about his twisty wife.

Meredith was faking her happiness. Cristina knew it, she knew that Meredith was still feeling that she was responsible for what happened 4 months ago. She wanted to bring it up but she was worried that it could trigger Meredith's PTSD. She new that seeing seeing Alex get shot and Owen laying dead on the floor was traumatic enough for Mer. Not to mention seeing Derek get shot was even more painful.

The two girls got to the residence lounge and changed into their light blue scrubs. Cristina couldn't help but notice the little cut that peeked out of Meredith's sleeve.

"Mer?" Cristina asked her glancing over at Meredith's sleeve. Cristina walked with concern over to her.

"Yeah?" She said pulling her stethoscope over her shoulder.

"What's on your arm?"

"I- um. I have to go. I'm on Derek's service." She said stuttering. Pulling on her lab coat, walking out the door.

Now that really worried Cristina, just enough to follow her out the door. Chasing after her.

"Mer!" She yelled starting to sprint after a running Meredith. But as soon as she turned the corner, Meredith was gone. "Crap!" She shouted throwing her hands around.

Just before Cristina turned the corner Meredith ran into the storage closet, hoping Cristina wouldn't look inside. Lucky for her, she didn't. But the bad part was Cristina had just came up with an idea.

Cristinas point of view:

After chasing after Meredith I came up with an Idea. Meredith wouldn't like it but I had to do it. I had to tell Derek and Lexie. Just then my pager went off.

"Ferry boat crash. Trauma bay 911." It said

"Crap." I whispered walking away from where I was standing. looking for Derek or Lexie.

Meredith's point of view:

Standing in the storage closet thinking of what to do. My secret was out, now everyone is going to be crowding me. Worry about me. Most of all Derek would hover again. Wait. I thought to myself. looking around the room. Looking at all of the medical supplies that brought back memories. With that, my pager went off.

"Ferry crash. Trauma bay. 911." It read.

Cristinas point of view:

I walked down the hallway to find them. To my surprise I seen Derek walking to the ER.

"Derek!" I shouted walking towards him "I need to tell you something, I think Meredith is suicidal. Again." I told him frantically. Stopping him in his tracks.

"What do you mean?" He asked darting his Eyes over at me.

"She has cuts on her arms." I told him

"Oh." He said looking at the floor

Meredith's point of view:

After countless seconds of standing there, I walked out, walking to the trauma bay. I cutted through halls, and took the stairs instead of the elevator. Hiding from Cristina. After running a long ways, and running into many people.I came to my destination and got onto one of the rigs that were going to the site.

Writer's point of view:

Meredith's idea was yet again, a bad one. And it would definitely hurt everyone around her. But she wanted to do it. She didn't want to be put through the long hours of therapy, or the long stories on how she means anything to this world. With Meredith's depression spikes and PTSD. There was no stopping her from what she was going to do. And let me tell you what it is, it's the same thing that happened three years ago from now.

As Derek, Lexie and Cristina looked for Meredith. Not giving a damn about the ferry crash that just happened. They released she could've gotten on one of the ambulances to the crash site. With their realization, Cristina and Derek both quickly got onto one of the rigs. Leaving a very mixed up Lexie at the hospital.

Meredith walked to the site to which 3 years ago she drowned in. Being that a medical tent was set just a few feet away from it. It all looked that same. The water was icy, blue. And the waves were soft and smooth. She walked over to the spot, memories flooding her mind.

"Don't move, okay?" The younger yet more high pitched Meredith said to the little girl with pigtails. The little girl just stood there, but after she turned around. As Meredith started to stitch up a man's leg, next to the edge of the water.

Jump a few minutes:

"Don't move, we just need to take you to the hospital." She told him, just after she got pushed by the very frightened man, into the cold, blue ocean. He was scared, he had no clue what was happening. With that her memories really kicked in.

"I was swimming, I was fighting. Then I thought, just for a second. What's the point? And then I let go. I stopped fighting." She told Denny Izzys dead fiance. At this point she was crying, almost moping. Denny then took a breath of relief, smiling, like he just bit into a really good piece of cake. They were both sitting in a dimmed hallway. On each side of the walls, sitting with their legs crossed.

"What?" Meredith asked confused to why he was doing such strange things.

"Izzy." He stated

"You can see her?" She asked, relieved

"Sometimes, we will be at the same place, at the same time. I can almost see her, almost feel her." He told Meredith he then sighed looking at her teary eyes. "That's all you get. Moments with the people you love." He told her. They both had tears in their eyes. But Meredith was more distraught about the hole, dieing situation.

"Is this really happening?" She asked him

"I don't know. This is your after life not mine." He told her. Then disappearing into the thin air. What happened next was water started swarming her, leading her to the next memory she had.

"I don't want to be here, I want to go back." She cried out walking into the ER where the ghostly figures of her past patients and Denny were.

"We were told you don't have enough time." Her old patient Bonney told her

"I'm out of time!" She cried out

"Well, we're not sure, baby." Her mother's scrub nurse told her.

"Oh, god. I can't… I w-- oh. I-I-I have intimacy issues. You know how stupid that seems now!" She sobbed out

"I know." Denny told her

"It's not enough. It's not enough. Just a whiff of Derek or just-- or Cristina. I want to go back. Please." She pleaded her sobs echoing through out the empty hospital, only the ghostly figures of her past listening to her.

With that it all came to reality, she can't do that. She can't end her life because of what happened 4 months ago. But the pain still stuck to her, like glue. She blinked the tears away as she stood there in front of the water. "I can't do this, I have to go back." She whispered standing, shaking her right leg back and forth. Her adrenaline running high, her ptsd kicking in.

"Meredith!" She heard Derek call "oh, god Meredith please don't do this!" He cried out running up to her with Cristina behind him

"I have to go back, I have to. It's not enough. I need them." She said totally blanked out

"Who?" Derek asked lightly pulling her shoulder towards him, but she quickly yanked it away from him starting to pace back and forth.

"It's not enough! Just a whiff of Derek, or Cristina!" She cried out waving her hands around like she did in her almost, non reality after life.

"Meredith, Meredith!" Derek said grabbing her arm and wrapping his around her small frame. "Were right here." He told her

"I need you." She gently whispered into his chest, over and over until her sobs became non existent.

"Meredith, I'm right here." He whispered into her ear, gently rocking her back and forth. Meredith let go of Derek, and with a slight smile and a very worrisome look from Derek, they began to walk to the car. But stopping in front of a very agitated Cristina.

"Meredith, I can't lose you. Either can Derek!" She shouted at her, Meredith just stood there as Cristina speaked. "I-I'm not mad at you okay? I just- you're my Person and your Derek's person." She explained to Meredith as tears spooled out of both of there eyes. "And I'm pretty sure if you weren't here, nothing would be the same! You changed everyone around you!" Cristina stated

"I- I- I'm sorry." Meredith stuttered looking at the ground

"Just don't do it again, okay?" Cristina said hugging her. "I love you Meredith Grey." She told her. But that's not going to stop Meredith. Meredith new how much everyone loved her. Meredith didn't want to die, but she wanted to feel better. Much better.

Derek couldn't help but smile at the two girls relationship. They barely hugged, it was odd, but beautiful at the same time. He loved Meredith, he wanted to cherish her and he wanted to do everything to protect her. Even if it costed him his life.

"Come on let's go." Derek said butting in into their quiet conversation

"Okay." Meredith mumbled, quietly sniffling.

Walking in between Cristina and Derek. Derek wrapped his arm around Meredith's shoulder. The three walked to the car, and went to the hospital. Leaving the ferry boat crash, sight to help people at the hospital. With Derek being worried about Meredith, right when they got to the hospital he took her to the chief's office. Almost having to drag her.

She was scared, she didn't want everyone to know about her secret. But Derek had promised that her secret would be safe. Reassuring her with a soft kiss on her lips.

"Hello, guys." Dr. Richard Webber their chief greeted as they walked in

"Hey." Meredith said nervous tone

"Meredith, are you okay?" Richard asked her worried. After a few seconds of Meredith playing with her feet, Derek jumped in helping her.

"Meredith needs a few days off, she's feeling off and she needs some help. In a good way." He informed

"I this may be personal, but as your chief. Meredith what's going on?" He asked her

"I-um. I feel like I'm responsible for… Alex's and Owen's… death." She told him tears spilling down her cheeks. Derek gently rubbed her back as she let out small sniffles and whipped the tears from her eyes.

"Meredith you're not." Richard and Derek said at the same time both looking over at her with empathy.

"I-I-I can't do this." She said pulling away from Derek, she then quickly ran out the door. Derek started to follow her but was stopped in his tracks by Richards stern voice.

"Give her some time, let her have some time to think." He told Derek

"Richard, Meredith is suicidal. She can't be left alone!" Derek said rudely leaving Richard more worry about her.

After Meredith ran out she heard the silent murmurs of Derek and Richard talking. Se started to pick up had she heard the door fling open, turning the corner and running into a on call room, and locked it. She scrambled for the sharp blade that she had in her pocket, that was wrapped in a small piece of cardboard. She took it out, looking at the small blade. It was sharp, very sharp. It had small blood spots on it still. She smirked, lifting the blade in front of her face. She slowly pulled up her sleeve, looking at the multiple scars on her arm. Her adrenaline running high again, she brought the blade to her skin. Forcing a line down her small, skinny arm. Tears filled her eyes as she continued. But stopped as she came up with an idea. She needed her prescription pad to do so.

Meredith pulled her sleeve over her now bleeding arm, frantically pulling her lab coat over her shoulders she put the blade back in her pocket. She opened the door, peeking her head out to see if anyone she new was out there. She noticed a familiar set of hair talking to a nurse, his back facing her. She quickly ran to the storage closet that was just a few feet away from the on call room. She quickly dashed to the closet and grabbed a roll of gauze, she took of her lab coat that had small blood stains on the sleeve. She then unrolled the gawaz. And wrapped it around her arm, quickly. She then, again opened the door and peeked through to see if she new anyone out there. There was, Cristina and Derek were walking the hall looking into every room. As they came closer and closer she began to panic, turning around she looked at all of the medical supplies. She seen syringes filled with medicine, including a row of narcotics. She quickly grabbed one of the blue, rubbery ribbon thing that popped a few veins out gently. She grabbed the needle, popping the cap off. She then tightly wrapped the ribbon around her upper arm. Thinking that nothing could go wrong she continued, sticking the needle into her arm. She seen the door knob turn In the corner of her eye. She quickly threw the needle across the room, pulling the blue ribbon off her arm.

The door opened fully, revealing her younger sister Lexie. She was worried as she walked toward her sister, whom was in the corner of the room, Bleeding. Meredith was worried that Lexie was going to give her a talk down like Cristina did. But, she didn't. Lexie just smirked, pulling Meredith up from the corner gently. For such a small girl like her, she was surprisingly strong.

"Meredith!" Lexie whispered as she noticed the blood spreading from Meredith's gawez. She seen that she had cut herself again. Lexie sighed looking at the tears forming in Meredith's eyes. Meredith couldn't help but pull Lexie into a hug. Lexie first hesitated as she wrapped her arms around Meredith for a hug.

"Alex is dead. Alex and Owen are both dead." Meredith told her

"I know. It's not your fault, Mr. Clark shot him. Causing lots and lots of bleeding. And Owen, he was just down for too long." Lexie told her

"Lex." Meredith said pulling away from her "I could have saved them." She told her "I could have taken them to an OR or do chest compressions." He added with hand movements

"But you couldn't have because of Mr. Clark would've shoten you. Mer, Alex and Owen wouldn't want you to be this way. They'd kick your ass if you were being like this if they were alive." Lexie told her

"Lex." Meredith whispered. She started to feel light headed as she started to sway back and forth. Lexie didn't release that Meredith was starting to doze off. the closet had very dim lighting, to dim.

"Meredith, I'm serious." She shot back

"Lex?" Derek called walking into the room. Meredith passed out falling into the arms of both Derek and Lexie.

"What happened?" He asked quickly as he started to lift Meredith up.

"She cut herself again." She told him

Not knowing that Meredith was trying to shoot up drugs. Lexie grabbed, all of the medical supplies that they needed. While Derek took Meredith to the ER, Fast. Derek held Meredith's limp body in his arms, carrying her.

"What happened!" Dr Miranda bailey asked as she rushed to Derek's side. Blood running from Meredith's arm and into the floor and Derek.

"She cut herself!" Derek shouted frantically.

When they got into ER. Lexie caught up to them, opening the door to one of the trauma rooms for Derek. When they were in, Derek gently laid Meredith on the exam table, but at the same time he did it quickly. Lexie started to hook her up to ivs, blood, and other medicines. After that more people compiled in, to help the young resident. After after 2 minutes of Derek doing compressions and after the long rhythmic dingin. Showing that she had no longer has a heart beat. It came back up, leaving everyone sighing in relief. Tears still falling from everyone's eyes.

"Damn you Grey." Dr bailey said to the sleeping, yet well alive Meredith.

Derek chuckled walking over to Meredith's head, lightly stroking her hair. Cristina was left speechless in the corner of the room. She was mad at Meredith, she had told her not to pull crap like this before. Derek had also, but he wasn't mad at her,he was a little. But not enough to hate her for it.

Meredith is his fresh air, the love of his life. He would never hate her ever. Maybe be mad, but never hate. He was now very worried and distraught about her trying to hurt herself endlessly. It hurt him to see her like this, crying every night because she feels responsible for her best friend's death and her mentors. He never knew it until Lexie brought it up with him one day when she was on his service, that's when he started to worry about Meredith. He felt pain dwell in his chest, he needed to step up, help her, be there for her for every step.

On the other hand, Lexie grew more worried about Meredith also. She thought that maybe Meredith started to feel worthless to this world also. She wanted to do something about it.

Leaving us with Bailey, she was disappointed in her young intern. She always thought of her 5 interns as children. Even though there growing up and residance now, she still loved them. She never thought she would care so much about those 5 people, including Dr. Webber, Derek, Lexie. She always thought Lexie was sort of annoying and Derek was just a head of hair. But now she says otherwise.

As Meredith slept the four doctors stayed by her bed side, waiting for her to wake her up. Derek was questioning why his wife was in this state, all he wanted was to be with her, to lover her. Derek wanted her to wake up so he could cradle her in his arms. The others, they just wanted to question her and talk her down, with harsh words. But little did they know, she had unfinished business with the other side.

Meredith woke up to a familiar feeling. Death, that is. She woke up in the same place she did last time. When she drowned and somehow came back to life. But this time she was alone, no Denny and Dylan bickering back and forth. Telling her that she's "dirt nap dead." She looked around, the dim light surrounding her. The same way it did last time, she soon became worried. She got off of the bed she was laying on. And started to walk out of the room she was in. She looked around the room.

"Same place." She sighed out. looking around. The hospital had the same everything, the only difference was. No people.

"What are you doing here?" A voice asked from behind her. She jumped, not hearing that voice in for ever sent chills down her spine

"I'm not sure." She responded bravely. Turning around she looked at the man she hasn't seen since his funeral. "George why am I here?" She asked him tears filling her eyes.

"I don't know, you tell me." He told her with empathy

"George…" she sighed "I don't know." She added

"Meredith, we don't have have time for this." He told her

"I cut myself." She told him flinging her hand in the air. He tilted his head in disbelief and began to walk closer to her.

"Yes I know that, but why?" He asked

"Wait, if I'm dead then where's Alex?" She asked him

"You're not dead, yet. But I'm behind you." Alex said from behind her

"Oh my god Alex!" She said running up to him and gave him a hug "I'm sorry, I couldn't save you. I really sorry." She told him as they shared a friendly hug

"Meredith it wasn't your fault!" He told her pulling them from a hug. At this point tears were running down her cheeks. "If anything, it was Mr. Clark's fault. That son of a bitch shot me." He told her

"But what about Owen?" She asked

"He's with his sister. That wasn't your fault either. He was dead before anyone could get to him." Alex sadly said "so stop beating yourself up about it!" Alex told her

"Meredith, they would be all different if you die or even keep doing what you're doing. You changed them. And even us." George told her jumping into the conversation. "And it would kill me again to see you dead." George added walking towards her

"Aren't I already dead?" She asked him

"No, not yet." He answered crossing his arms "so what really happened?" He asked

"I-I don't know." She told him stalling

"Come on Mer!" Alex shouted causing Meredith to stirr

"Okay, ever since you abe Owen died I've felt responsible. Your guy's death caused me to cut myself. I couldn't take it!" She yelled at Alex. Leaving them speechless. "I feel responsible, okay?" She said taking a calm deep breath

"Meredith, it wasn't your fault." Alex told her, reassuring

"Then why am I still here?" She asked them tears forming in her eyes

"Because a part of you doesn't want to live." A new voice told her

"But I do want to live, I do!" She told them "can't you see I don't want to be here!" She added

"A part of you does." Owen told her.

Meredith began to freeze, thinking back to last time. It soon began to overwhelm her. She didn't want to die, but a part of her did. She did understand what it meant. Not knowing what to do she ran to the corner of the room and sat there. Looking at her feet, thinking how she could get herself out of this mess. Confused, the three men walked slowly toward her.

"This has to be some kind of dream, where all of my dead friends come to haunt me and tell me what's right or wrong. Right?" She asked them

"Where telling you to stop blaming yourself and cutting yourself." Alex told her

"To mostly do the right thing, yes." George added

"Well, I don't simply know the difference between right or wrong!" She told them

"You should." Alex said in a cocky tone

"I don't know what to tell you guys!" She yelled getting up and walking out casually

"You know, I'm kind of disappointed. Considering to what happened last time." A familiar voice said from behind her. As she strutted down the hallway

"Why am I here?" She asked him tears streaming down her rosy cheeks

"Meredith, while you're standing here. The people you love are falling apart. Waiting for you to wake up." Denny told her sweetly "remember what I told guy last time." He asked her

"Yeah." She breathed out remembering everything that happened in the past year, all of the happy times she had with everyone. "I want to go back." She choked out

"You can." He told he smiling

"How!" She cried out almost falling to the ground

"Come on, follow me." He told her. She began to follow him as she walked down the dimmed hallway. They began to walk, until they stopped. In front of a familiar door.

"Why are we here?" She asked standing in front of the door

"Look into it." He said pointing to the small window gently

As she looked in, she seen a familiar set of housing. She seen her living room, and there sat Derek. On gen couch. His beard looking like he hadn't shaved in days and his face had tears stains on his cheeks. He looked awful, sitting there taking many, many drinks of the alcohol he had on the floor. She couldn't help but notice all of the Chinese food scattered across the floor and sofas. Including many bottles of alcohol. She sighed looking at how rugged and sad her husband looked. More tears began to fall from her cheeks. She felt bad, sorry almost for him.

"That's what he would look like, if you died. You can't do this to him Meredith." Denny told her, gently placing a hand on her shoulder.

"I need to go back, can I go back?" She asked

"Not yet."

"Why not?" She asked distraughtly

"Because. There's more you have to see." He told her taking her by the arm and pulling her to the next room.

Meredith stopped when she seen, Lexie in the window. She became vaguely confused at what was going on. She seen her younger sister drinking, like Derek was. But worse.

"Is this a dream?" She asked looking away from the window. She was confused at what was happening.

"Why does it matter?" He asked her "just watch." He added Meredith looked back at the window, her eyes widened at the sight.

There her little sister was looking like Meredith 4 years ago. A dark and twisted version of her past self. Lexie was very drunk, laying around her bedroom,bottles of alcohol everywhere. Meredith blinked twice and then turned to face Denny again. She was shocked at how much Lexie resembled her from the years past. But Lexie didn't get her heart broken like Meredith had, unless she did.

"What happened?" She asked him

"You died. Mark left." He told her as confused look grew on Meredith's face. She began to speak but was cut off by Denny speaking again. "If you die they'll be like this. They won't survive this." He added

"But I'm not dead yet?" She asked

"No your not dead or almost dead. Your dreaming." He said

Meredith then quickly pinched herself thinking she'd wake up, receiving a laugh from Denny. She frowned looking at him, confused.

"What?" She asked looking up from her arm

"You have to want to wake up." He said

"Sense this is a dream, that means I can make anything happen." She said looking around the room. "I can make you disappear." She added smiling

She closed her eyes tightly hoping he would go away soon. But when she opened them, she sighed in annoyance looking over at him.

"still here." He told her, smiling tilting his head, to the left in annoyance

"God!" She shouted. She walked down the hallway hoping he wasn't following her.

Her footsteps echoed through the, now empty hallway. She soon came to the spot where, last time she was told to run to. the end of the hallway. Closing her eyes she soon became face to face with reality or was it not?

She woke up to the rhythmic sound of her pace maker beeping at a steady pace. Slowly opening her very tired eyes she saw that she was in the hospital. Looking around she saw Lexie on her right sleeping on her arm. Derek and Cristina were gone, probably doing a surgery. Lexie stirred as Meredith slightly lifted her arm to get comfortable.

"Oh good, you're alive!" She whispered sitting up "you lost a lot of blood. Here I'll get you water." She rambled getting up and getting the pink cup that was sitting on a table next to them.

"Okay." She choked out

After Lexie gave Meredith the glass of water and sat back down. Cristina walked in whispering into Lexies ear, for Lexie to meet her in the hallway.

"Wait, what's going on?" Meredith asked, stopping them from walking out. Cristina turned back around and looked Lexie, with a worried look.

"Something happened in the ER, I need Lexie." Cristina told her

"What happened?" Meredith asked confused.

She started to grow confused at what was happening. First she was in a weird dream now she's in an hospital bed. She remembered that she cut herself, but the gash was gone.

"There was a car crash." Cristina told her grabbing Lexies arm. "We need to go quickly." She added dragging Lexie out of the room.

On the other side of the hospital, Cristina and Lexie both worked on a 40 year old man. That had been sidetracked by a drunk driver. Lexie didn't know who the driver was, but Cristina did. Mark had told her the whole story just before she went to drag Lexie out of Meredith's room. Mark didn't want Lexie and Meredith to know who the patient was, sense they were close to the victim. On the other hand they also new the drunk driver, just not at the moment. Sense Lexie was the only one of Christina's residents willing to work the night shift. So she had to help. Cristina had Mark drape his face before Lexie came into the trauma room. With another loved one of hers next door. With Dr. Webber and Dr. bailey working on him.

Back on the other side of the hospital. Meredith was confused why they had to rush out of the room so quickly. She began to pull the IV and pacemaker, making it flatline. Quickly jumping to the motor to turn it off, so nurses wouldn't rush in. She stood up looking at the arm she had cut the day before. It was gone. What was she missing?

Grabbing her lab coat that was a rack she walked out of the room, no one realizing that Meredith was on bedrest. Meredith wanted to see what the "big deal" was. Being a surgery hungry resident she wanted to see the car crash. Not knowing what was behind the doors could scar her.

"Push one of epi, we need to take him to a CT and let's take him up to surgery." Dr. Richard Webber ordered to Dr. April kepner.

"On it." April said running out of the room. Ordering a CT and booking a OR.

April spotted Meredith strolling through the ER. Walking up to her, slowly. Not wanting to startle her. Trying to get her attention, she lightly grabbed her shoulder. Receiving A surprised look from Meredith.

"What are you doing down here?" She asked sweetly. Meredith frowned, looking around the ER. Spotting Cristina.

"I'm looking for Cristina." She told her. Pointing over at the trauma room she and Lexie were in. April started to worry, remembering that Meredith wasn't supposed to be near the two trauma rooms.

"Meredith, you need to get back to your room." April told her pulling her toward her room. Meredith started to get suspicious at the way April was acting.

"Wha-why?" She told her stoping April in her tracks. "April what happened?" She asked sternly.

Back in trauma room 1 Cristina fought to save the innocent man that got hit by the drunk driver. Doing everything she can to stop the monitor from flatlining. He'd been down since they got him in, almost a hour he was down. But she couldn't stop, last time she had a gun to her head while doing it. Meredith's pain filled face kept appearing in Cristina's Mind as she pumped his chest. Over and over. She couldn't let him die again.

"Cristina." Mark said putting a hand on her shoulder, as tears spilled out of there eyes.

He was gone, really gone. No tricks or pulling monitors to make it flatline. It was all reality. It hit them like a wrecking ball.

"He's gone." He added with empathy, looking at the ground. The whole room was silent. Lexie didn't know who he was yet, but Mark had to spill it to her.

"Lex. Lexie?" Mark said getting her full attention. Looking at him, he began to speak. "Lexie, that's Derek." He told her. Pulling the drape from his face, revealing multiple scars covering his face. Tears filled her eyes, looking back and forth. From Derek to Mark, she couldn't believe it.

"What?" A familiar voice said from behind them Causing them all to freeze.

Her voice indicating, shock and sadness. The monitor was still flatlining and everyone had tears streaming down their cheeks. It was the worst time to be caught in the situation. Her hearing Mark tells Lexie that Derek was the one dead on the table was worse for all of them.

"You have to try again, please." Meredith pleaded almost sobbing

"Meredith, he's been down for 1 hour. I'm sorry." Mark told her

"No, please. Just try!" She cried out falling to the ground.

"Meredith, we're sorry." Mark said watching his best friends wife fall apart.

Her whole world was crashing around her, her heart broke into millions of pieces. The silence became, the sound of Meredith crying. Her voice changing tone as she cried. Lexie couldn't help but pull Meredith from the ground, pulling her into her embrace. Cristina joined in after her, muffling Meredith's crys. Mark couldn't help but start to tear up with the three women crying. He felt bad for them and Derek. He was gone, dead.

"Come on Mer, let's go." Cristina told her pulling her away from the scene

"Wait, can-can I see him first." Meredith told her, tears spilled from her eyes. Cristina let go of Meredith letting her see him one last time.

Slowly walking up to his now pale face she sighed. Gently placing a hand on his chest, feeling no heart beat. It made hers sink deeper into her chest. She leaned down and lightly kissed his cheek before she felt the urge to sob again. Crossing her arms around her body. She walked out and walked into the hallway, passing Lexie and Cristina on the way out. With Derek gone, she had no idea what she was going to do. Now she only had Lexie and Cristina left.

Pulling out her phone, she decided to dial up Nancy, Amy, Liz and Kate. Since Derek would want them to see him before he was taken away. Her hand shook as she dialed each and one of his sister's numbers,including his mom. Teardrops falling from her cheeks as she told each and one of them the horrible info. Hearing sobs from each other end of the phone made it even more depressing for Meredith. All of them telling her they would be there as soon as possible. She sighed putting her phone back in her pocket, walking back down the hallway looking for Lexie and Cristina.

Fastly changing her mind, she decided to take a different route. Than feeling the embrace of her sister and Best friend, she wanted to deal with the pain by drugs. Even though it wasn't the best idea. She walked down the hallway, to the closet she recently passed out in. Opening the door and locking it she began to search for the pain meds, the ones that make you forget, the ones that were highly addictive.

Pulling through the small cooler that held tons of syringes, she finally found the one. It was blue and shiny. She slid off the green cap that protects the needle and started. Pulling up her sleeve and slowly inserting in into her arm, pushing the liquid substance into her body. The numbness spilled through her body, and light breathing controlled her. Looking over at the syringe, she realized, it wasn't pain medication. It was a ten cc of epi. Tightly gripping her chest, she felt the sudden darkness cover her sight, along with everything else stopping...

Waking up in Sweat, covered her from head to toe. Her deep breaths became normal once she looked around the dimmed room. It was Derek and hers. But Derek was gone. Was she just dreaming? After blinking a few times she got up, walking to her closet to get fresh clothes to take a shower. Her brain mixed up, she thought, taking a shower would clear her it. Before stripping down, she glanced at the clock on her bathroom counter. It read 6:30 am, since she had no idea was going on.

Stepping out of the shower she breathed in the sent of her conditioner. Lavender. Walking back into her room she stopped re thinking what was going on. She couldn't remember anything until she heard his voice.

"Meredith?" A familiar voice called Meredith sighed knowing she was dreaming.

"I'm in here!" She called back grabbing her purse and walking right into her best friend, standing right in front of her.

"Okay good you're ready, Lexie and jackson are downstairs waiting." He told her giving her a bright smile.

"Okay. Wheres Derek?" She asked him walking down the stairs, him behind her.

"He's at work. Mer are all right?" He answered with a question.

"Yeah, I just had a bad dream, Is all." She told him.

"Hey, Derek told me that he wanted you to see him at his office when you get to work." Lexie told her bouncing her eyebrows up and down, as they all walked to the car.

"Office? Is he chief of surgery?" She blurted out not knowing what she said. receiving concerned looks from both Lexie and Alex

"Yes he's chief of surgery." Lexie answered "Meredith, I'll drive." She added walking ahead of Meredith and taking the keys, from Meredith's band.

Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes as she got into the passenger side of the car, as Alex and Jackson got into the back. Lexie in the driver's seat.

As they drove to the hospital, Lexie glanced over at Meredith a few times. As Meredith looked out the window. She was confused, she didn't know what was really going on. She couldn't remember anything. Not wanting to tell them what was going on, she had to tell them. They could help her. First glancing over at Lexie she, hesitated at first.

"I can't remember what happened yesterday or last night. I'm just really confused." She told them placing her palm on her forehead.

"Just give it sometime you were really drunk last night at Derek's party." Alex told her while laughing

"Derek's party?" Meredith whispered to herself.

"Yeah." Lexie chirped

"the small party he had because he became chief. You and Cristina drank because you guys thought the party was too boring." Alex added leaning towards her, speaking.

"Go and talk to Derek, he'll help you out." Lexie told her as they pulled into Lexies parking spot at the hospital. It then hit her, once walked into the hospital. It was like she got hit by a semi.

Meredith walked down the bright hallway to her husband's office, remembering he died or died in her dream. Glancing over at her phone that read the date, she paused. It was may, 20th. The day of the shooting, taking a deep breath in she walked to Derek's office with a bright smile on her face.

"Hey." she greeted walking into his office, still smiling.

"Hey." He copied, looking up from his paper work. Smiling up at her.

"You wanted to see me?" She asked

"Yeah, i'd like to see my wife every 48 hours." He said getting up from his desk and walked over to her.

Meredith's smile faded. It was the same thing he had said the day of the shooting. Except she wasn't on Sloan's service she was on Baily's, and she didn't get paged by Derek, she was told he wanted to see her.

"Are you alright?" He asked tilting his head. He seen Meredith's smile turn into a frown, and he hadn't said anything.

"Is it wrong to want to see you?" He chuckled leaning on his desk.

"Oh. No. It's just- I had a really weird dream and it was, really long." She rambled on, quite confusingly.

"Oh, do you want to talk about it?" He offered narrowing his eyebrows, in a cornering way.

"You probably are busy." She stalled, pointing to the papers on his desk

"Nope." He said shakeing his head. He stepped toward her slowly not to startle her.

He knew when she rambled something was up, something was bothering her. But when it came to Meredith the odds were close to zero for her to tell him. Meredith was not afraid to tell him this time, this time she was confident on telling him.

"Sure." She answered, nicely sitting in the chair in front of the desk, he sat down next to her getting ready to here what she was going to say.

"I had a dream that there was a shooting here." She explained pointing to the ground but continued after she paused.

"You got shot, and many other people. Including Alex and Owen. But they got shot and sadly died. I tried saving you and Alex from getting shot again, but he shot Alex then walked out because he thought you were dead." She paused looking over at him, making sure he was still listening. He was, he shot her a small smile, telling her to continue.

"Then I became suicidal, in my dream. I cutted myself and even tried to drown myself in elliott bay again. But you came and saved me. After I tried that, I cut myself again, and cut too deep. So I passed out. During hat time I was dreaming also. I seen George, he talked me out of self harm and told me how you guys would be different."

"Then I got into drugs because you got into a car accident and-and died. That's when I woke up." She finished, tears were lingering in her eyes barely on the edge of falling.

He tilted his head again, and smiled. Before he was able to speak Meredith couldn't help but pull herself into his embrace. He chuckled at her response,at the same time he caressed her back. He loved her, she was the good kind of crazy and dark and twisted at the same time.

"Are you okay?"

"Of course I am, The dream just startled me, is all." She answered

"Okay." He smiled pulling them away from there happy moment. "You should get going, you don't want Bailey getting all nazi on you." He told her chuckling. She smiled, he was always making her smile or laugh, she loved that about him and many other things.

Meredith got up from the seat she was sitting on next to Derek. She smiled, mumbling a silent "love you." She turned the doorknob, opening the door and went to find Dr. Bailey. Just before she closed the door Derek letter out a goofy "I love you." Back to her. Making her smile eye to eye.

Meredith walked down the hallway, once again. Looking for Dr. Bailey,she heard a familiar voice, his voice. The voice that she thought she'd never hear again. It was the voice who shot her husband, her best friend and her best friends husband. In her dream. The voice was asking for one certain person, Derek Shepherd. He stood right in front of her.

"Mam, can you tell me where to find the chief's office?" He asked her sending chills down her spine, she didn't like his voice.

"I don't know, sir. I'm sorry." She lied turning around for Derek's office

She walked back down to his office, she wanted warn him just in case Mr. Clark really did want to shoot him. After all it was the same date, same year it could be happening.

Meredith came to her senses, she thought it would be stupid to run back down to his office and tell him "the man from my dreams, that shot you is here!" She thought it sounded a little odd. On the bright side if it was true, she would be saving Derek and her friends. Luckily Mr Clark was talking to little Reed Admonson, whom Meredith and Cristina call a total bitch. Meredith had nothing to worry about, at the moment.

Meredith finally reached the the door of his office, sighing she realized how stupid she was going to sound. Derek never thought what she said was stupid though, unless she was wanting to do a craniotomy at 1:00 when there is the scent of alcohol dripping from the pores of her skin and obviously, very drunk.

Opening the door, he quickly looked up from his paper work and smiled.

"Did you miss me already?" He cooed

"Kinda, the guy from my dreams. That shot you is here." She explained "and he's looking for you." She added

"Well send him up, I'll give him a little talk down." He joked

"Derek, I'm serious." She scolded him. She started to feel a small amount of worryness.

"I am too." He smiled "How about this, I put you on my service for today. Would that make you feel better." He added

"Sure." She said rocking herself back and forth, smiling.

She sat down in front of his desk as he made a few phone calls, and scribbled notes on his notepad that he had. Just a few moments ago he had told bailey she was on his service for today, for personal reasons. Doctor Bailey took it the wrong way as always,but didn't care because Meredith was doing his charts and was going to check up on his patients.

Derek finished one of his tasks and looked up from it, smiling. He was curious to know who was the person in her dream. She never mentioned it.

Meredith had forgotten Mr Clark's wife was a past patient, but still knew who he was and why he might be there.

"So, who is this 'dream guy.' That shot me." He asked using air quotes with his fingers.

"His name was Gary Clark. His wife was a patient of yours." She answered, the memory lingering in her brain.

"Oh." He said pausing looking over at her "His wife died here a few months ago." He added. His face started to show a mixture of sadness and worry.

"I don't think this could be true." She assured him. He nodded his head in agreement, and went back to his paperwork as she did charts. Not a worry in the world.

On the other side of the hospital, Lexie casually looked for Meredith, being that she was a little wonky. Lexie wanted to know more about the dream that she had.

"Excuse me. Mam?" A voice called out to her.

Turning around, she seen a tall man, with a goatee mustache and a brown thick, heavy coat. Giving him a bright smile, his green eyes darted over her.

"Can you tell me where to find the chief's office?" He asked

"Ah, sure. I'm going there right now." She said, lightly brushing down her lab coat.

Walking towards Derek's office. She felt his eyes on the back of her neck as she walked, a sense of fear creeped up her spine. She turned around to face him, seeing that they were halfway there she looked at him. Seeing his sketchy structure.

"Why are you here?" She asked

"I'm here to talk to him about my wife. Do you remember me?" He asked his eyes turning a darker shade of green, she paused remembering the face he had when his wife died. Before she was able to speak he started to raise his gun towards her, his hand was shaking like he had Parkinson's disease.

"Take me to his office." He ordered

Lexie paused, standing in front of the angry man, holding the black pistol in his right hand. Eager to pull the trigger. She couldn't lead him to Derek's office. Sure, she didn't want to lose her life but she didn't want her sisters world to fall apart in a blink of an eye. Eaither way would be the worst option possible.

The eager man couldn't take it anymore, he grew impatient. Taking her by her arm, he dragged her down the hallway, looking for Derek's office on his own. He wanted her to come with. He had a very odd plain, he wasn't sure it would work, but what he had in his spare pockets made him sure of it.

"Stay quiet and walk normal." He spat letting go of her just enough so it wouldn't look suspicious. Each nurse passed them thinking Lexie was doing a good deed of the old mad. Mr. Clark pretended to have a small limp as they passed each nurse, causing them to smile at the "nice gesture"

He looked at all the signs on the wall that lead to Derek's office, taking twists and turns. A few minutes later he finally found it, dragging her up the stairs with him and crossing the catwalk. He stopped her in front of the door, pushing her against the wall harshly, she flinched at his action.

"Give me you pager and your phone." He ordered "oh, ane give me anything you have in your pockets." He added pulling his hand out in front of her. Waiting for the scared resident to give him everything he had.

Reaching into her pockets she pulled out everything. With a quick sigh, she handed her pager, phone, a pen and note pad to him.

"Thank you!" He spat. Grabbing her arm and pushing her into the office vishiously.

Pulling out his gun he realized there was another entity in the room, Meredith. Meredith and Derek were both sitting on the couch that he had in his office. They were both working on paperwork when Mr. Clark barged in. Making them both look up, as he slammed the door behind him.

Meredith's emotions changed to scared and emotional once she seen his face again, this time holding on to her sister. He moved the gun move throughout the room,slowly be put by his side. He chuckled putting his gun back in his pocket. He shook his head and looked at the floor.

"Well. This is going to be fun." He remarked. Looking at all terrified faces. He grinned. "Let's get started." He added reaching into his pockets.

With Mr. Clarks hand still tightly wrapped arround Lexie's arm. Meredith glanced over at her very frightened sister. Tears barely showing. No one's knew what Mr. Clark had in store for them.

String, he had long pieces of clear string. Not fishing wire, string. He pulled out the roll of sting looking at both Meredith and Derek.

"Sit on the floor!" He ordered reaching into his pocket for his gun.

Meredith hesitated, but sat on the floor once Derek had gently told her to sit. Worried, because Meredith was right.

"You, come here." He yelled pointing his finger at Meredith.

With a tight swallow, she got up and walked over to the dark man. He harshly grabbed her hands, making her flinch.

and tied the string around her wrists. Then pushed her to the ground, making Derek get up on his feet in rage. It was only in amount of seconds when Mr. Clark grabbed his arms, and tightly tied the rope onto Derek's wrists also. They were no match for him.


	2. Chapter 2

String, he had long pieces of clear string. Not fishing wire, string. He pulled out the roll of sting looking at both Meredith and Derek.

"Sit on the floor!" He ordered reaching into his pocket for his gun.

Meredith hesitated, but sat on the floor once Derek had gently told her to sit. Worried, because Meredith was right.

"You, come here." He yelled pointing his finger at Meredith.

With a tight swallow, she got up and walked over to the dark man. He harshly grabbed her hands, making her flinch.

and tied the string around her wrists. Then pushed her to the ground, making Derek get up on his feet in rage. It was only in amount of seconds when Mr. Clark grabbed his arms, and tightly tied the rope onto Derek's wrists also. They were no match for him.

Mr. Clark held on to Derek, his hands tied behind his back. He then harshly pushed Derek into the swivel chair.

"Okay." He said clasping his hands together and smiling.

"You two are coming with me while he stays her." Mr. Clark explained. Walking over to Meredith with Lexie in his clutches.

"Why exactly are you here?" Meredith asked him annoyed

"You'll see. Now, get up before I shoot you." He yelled at her.

Pointing the gun at her head, Derek flinched. Trying to get up, he received a dangerous glare from Mr. Clark, both showing 100% anger.

"Is this your girly friend?" He asked pulling Meredith up, from her back, gripping her shirt tightly.

While Meredith began to look at the floor, Lexie and Derek exchanged looks back and forth, as the three surgeons stayed quiet. Meredith's dream was real, different but most definitely real.

"No." Derek answered firmly

Derek had no clue what to tell him, he didn't want to scare Meredith nor hurt her. If he said yes, she would have gotten shot. So he went with lying to the angry man. He wanted to break free from the weird rope that was tying him down, and save her. Wrap her in his embrace.

"You're hiding something." He stated, a smirk grew on Mr. Clark's face.

He walked toward Derek, pushing Lexie to the floor. He began to tease him by pointing the gun to her head. Meredith tightened her eyes, ready for it to end. With Lexie on the floor, she was able to walk out the door at any moment. Being that Mr. Clark didn't tie her wrists together.

"I'm his wife." Meredith blurted out. Mr. Clark tightened his grip on Meredith's arm and removed the gun from the side of her head. He sighed with a slight chuckle, he shook his head.

"I'm disappointed in you. You lie to much." He told Derek, pulling Meredith towards him.

As Mr. Clark teased Derek with Meredith. Lexie silently crawled to the door, not wanting to grab anyone's attention. Hearing the soft whimpers from Meredith, made her feel worse about the situation they were in. Less than two seconds later she reached the dark brown door that lead to outside of the room.

Looking back before opening the door, she saw he still had a tight hold on Meredith. He stood her in front of him, with his back turned toward the door, but Derek's face turned toward the door. Lexie could see how much stress he was in and the pain that dwelled in his eyes.

"Aren't you going to do anything? Say anything?" Mr. Clark asked Derek, moving the gun down her neck and to her abdomen. He had her in between his knees, so she wouldn't run away from him.

At this time, Lexie left. Seeing her sister like that, made emotions spill from her pores. Slowly, she turned the doorknob and Cautiously stepped out, going out to seek help.

Mr. Clark continued to tease Derek with the gun, terrorising Meredith. Making her fear that was death near. She didn't like that feeling, nor did she like to see tears grow in Derek's eyes as he stared at her, lovingly. 'It's going to be over soon' she thought to herself, Keeping it positive.

"What do you want from us?" Meredith asked, making a ballsy move. Adrenaline pumping through her veins.

"Him." He started pointing the gun at Derek and wrapped his arm around Meredith's neck, making her cringe.

"He Killed my wife. Hes Responsible."

"It wasn't his fault, your wife was very sick." Meredith explained to the distraught man.

"You know, for a killer she really loves you doesn't she?" He asked Derek. Making Derek let out an annoyed chuckle.

Mr. Clark started stroke his hand over Meredith's head, causing her to shut eyes tightly together. It grabbed Derek's full attention, causing Derek to give him a glare.

"Please let us go." She pleaded trying to squirm out of his grip, only to make him angry.

"Let's see… no!" He shouted throwing her to the floor.

"Who's it going to be! You or her?" He yelled at them.

Lexie looked around, for any sign of Owen or Richard. Not wanting to cause commotion she quickly ran around the hospital. She sighed in relief once she saw Owen coming out of the surgery, followed by the one and only Cristina yang.

"Owen!" She shouted running up to him

"Lexie, not now." Cristina barked

"No now! Meredith and Derek are in trouble! There in Derek's office." She shouted

"What kind of trouble?" Cristina joked, a slight chuckle left her mouth.

"Not that kind!" She scolded her

"There's a man with a gun, threatening to kill them!" She whispered to both of them, looking around the hall.

"So, who is it?" Mr Clark asked

"I think it should be Meredith, because you took MY wife away from me." He added

The intention building in the room as the gun moved from Derek to Meredith, slowly. Mr. Clark was facing the door, with Meredith's back to it, and Derek was behind him. Drumming up a plan, mouthing 'Distract him' to Meredith, ending the sentence with a encouraging smile.


End file.
